The Movies and The Rules

     Can I tell you something friends? I love going to the movies. Who doesn't? I get high off the smell of popcorn and old ladies in maroon vests tearing my ticket and saying, "Theater 4 to the left." I love stadium seating, giant boxes of Raisinets, and a Mr. Pibb so big you can bathe in it. It's almost sexual. The foreplay of the previews, the good or not so good consummation of the relationship between you and whatever film it is you just paid to see, and the pillow talk with your date or your friends on the ride home discussing how you feel about everything that just happened. I love it all.
     Ya know what I hate though? What I hate with all the hate I have in my heart. People. In particular the people out there who more often than not make the beloved worldwide tradition of going to the cinema just awful. The assholes and douche bags who don't know the simple rules that go along with a trip to the movies. I thought I'd go ahead and lay these rules out for everyone right now, once and for all. If you know someone who doesn't follow these rules, feel free to share this with them. If you don't follow these rules, then I hope once you read this you'll see the error of your ways and like Spike Lee, Do the Right Thing. If you disagree with these rules, please stop going to the movies. Better yet find the nearest bus running close to wherever you may be, and throw yourself in front of it. You're everything that's wrong with my America.

Here we go.


The Lobby - This is pretty much the safe zone of any cinema. Talk, text, get some nachos. It is not okay to bitch about the prices of admission or snacks. Movie theaters make almost no money from what you pay just to get in. That money goes back to the studio. That's the reason you need to take out a student loan to purchase a soft pretzel and a box of bon-bons. However, those prices have always been high, at least throughout my thirty years on this planet. Since that's the case, you need to suck it up should you choose to purchase anything from their snack bar. The only way around this is...

The Sneak In - We've all done it. It's a big time movie theater no-no. You hit your local mini-mart or bodega, and load up your cargo shorts with your favorite treats at a third of the price of what the snack bar charges. Is it morally right? I don't know. What I do know is that $5.00 for a Snickers in this economy is rough. If you can get away with the sneak in, you should do it. If you get busted though, that's on you and you must fully accept the consequences. If they tell you to throw it out, throw it out. If they ask you to leave with no refund, leave. If you sell your friends down the river for doing the same exact thing, you should be water boarded. I admire folks who take chances in life, but you must also be prepared to deal with the consequences should you get caught.

Upon Entering the Theater - In a perfect world everyone would arrive fifteen to twenty minutes early for a movie. It behooves you to do so. You'll get a better seat, have tome to hit the bathroom, and still catch the previews. When you enter a theater and the lights are still up you can walk around, take your time, and discuss with your group of friends where the best place to make camp is. If the theater is less than half full, you make choose twice the number seats as there are members of your party, in order to enjoy the buffer zone created by not having to sit directly next to someone. If the theater is more than half full, you may shoot for a buffer zone, but you should still be courteous to the folks around you and consolidate your space if the theater fills up.

If you walk into a nearly empty theater, do not sit directly in front of someone who is already seated. Give them the space of an extra row or at the very least sit in the row in front of them, but a few seats over. If there are only fifteen or twenty people in a theater, and you sit in seat directly in front of someone already seated, you're a selfish insensitive prick.

If theater is crowded and the seat in front of you is taken, you lose the right to put your feet up on that seat anymore. You might not think they feel it, but they do.

If you walk in and the theater is in darkness, stand at the bottom corner by the entrance and discuss in a voice no louder than a whisper, where the best place to sit would be. Then quickly and efficiently make your way there. You're late, everyone else is on time.

Saving Seats - Seats may be saved for someone for as long as needed, so as long as the person they're being saved for is in the building. So if that person bought a ticket, claimed their seat, put their stuff down, and then got stuck in the lobby for some reason, that's okay. They bought that real estate. If the person or persons you're saving  for are not in the building and stuck in traffic, their seat is up for grabs once the previews start.

Once The Movie Begins - THE PREVIEWS ARE THE OFFICIAL START OF THE MOVIE!!!!!!  That means once they begin the following rules apply:

1. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
2. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
3. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
4. See rules 1-3.
5. Put the phone away! If you have something so important going on in your life that you can't stay off your phone for two hours, then you really shouldn't be at a movie right now. Should you? Don't worry about Facebook or Twitter, they'll be there when the movie is over. Turn your ringer off, better yet, turn your phone off, put it in your pocket, and escape reality for a little bit. That's why you came here wasn't it? If you do forget to turn your ringer off and it rings, silence it as soon as possible and put the phone away.
If you take a phone call is a movie theater full of people while the movie is going on, you're the worst kind of kind person. You're scum. You're a fascist. You're street trash.

If there was any justice in this world, when someone takes a call in the middle of a movie, the lights should come up automatically, and the two largest men in the theater would be allowed to drag that son of a bitch down in front of the screen and rain blows upon them as the rest of the crowd cheers and pelts the offender with gummy bears. If a children's movie is playing in another theater, that movie should also be stopped briefly so that the children may witness this. Finally at the end of the film the crowd should be allowed to dump their garbage on the limp body of the asshole who couldn't wait just an extra thirty minutes to tell their friends they'll meet them at Red Robin once they get out of there.

I think that covers the phone thing.

6. Don't make out in the theater. It's distracting to the folks around you. It's not a sit com in 1987. Give a handy or a finger-bang in a parked car somewhere like a normal person.

Drinking In The Theater - This goes hand in hand with The Sneak In. So long as you don't get caught, good for you. If you do get caught, it's on you. Remember though, you're in a theater, not a bar. Just because you're drunk that's not an excuse to act like an asshole.

Clean Up Your Shit - If you have garbage, carry it out with you. There's like six garbage cans on the way out of every theater. Don't make someone else's job tougher than it has to be.


That's kinda it. Nothing crazy right? Pretty straight forward. I'm sure this may seem a little harsh to some of you, but think about this. When you act like a dick in the movies, you're not only ruing the movie for the folks around you, you're ruing their good time. Time is important to all of us because it's the one thing in life we can't make more of. So let's all take a shot at being a little more courteous to one another at the next flicker show. It might lead to everyone being a little more courteous at the next place, and who know where it might lead after that.



 Now, let's all go to the movies gang.