Insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - 

Albert Enistein

As I prepare to embark on a quest toward being a healthy human, and possibly being able to fit into a shit at H&M one day, I feel like it’s important to take a look at the past. Let’s take a minute and talk about what I know doesn’t work, so that I might be able to move forward and figure out what hopefully will work.

I have successfully lost weight, substantial amounts of weight, at four different times in my life. (Those times will be talked about in a future post.) I have attempted to lose weight and failed, hundreds and hundreds of times. Nearly every one of those times has gone down the exact way. Here is a sorta play by play of how my usual attempt at diet and exercise goes.

1.       It’s a Sunday night. (I always believe that a major lifestyle change of any kind should begin on a Monday. That belief will then in turn cause Sunday night to become some sort of all out terrible food fest that I lose myself in. Some ridiculous part of me believes  I’ll never taste any of this stuff again.) So, it’ Sunday night. In front of me are several empty Chinese food containers strewn about, or pizza boxes and wing buckets tossed around. Also, a half smoked joint. The following thoughts runs through my head as I lay in a food coma.

“Okay, tomorrow is the day. Set the alarm for 8:00AM. Oatmeal for breakfast…maybe a smoothie, then the gym. 30 minutes at the weights, 60 minutes cardio. Should be able to get to the gym five times this week. No carbs after noon. Protein shake for lunch, grilled chicken breast and broccoli for dinner. Eat nothing after 6pm. No problem. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I got this shit. Now, let’s go the work on that pint of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch before bed.”

2.       8:00AM Monday. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP-Smack! Hit the snooze. Hit it again at 8:15, 8:30, and so on until 10:00AM. Okay, it’s 10:00AM. Still kinda early. Up and out of bed. First thought; “I could go for a breakfast sandwich. WAIT! No. Not today. Smoothie…oatmeal. Healthy. Let’s make some green tea and…oh no.” Proceed to have terrible shits from the incredible amount of crap that I ate the night before.

3.       10:20AM Struggle to make it through a bowl of plain oatmeal. Coffee. Second round of terrible shits left over from last night.

4.       11:30AM Stroll into the gym. Stretch. First thought upon seeing myself in the mirror. “How did you let this happen you fuckin cream puff? Why are you wearing a light colored shirt? Buy black workout clothes now! ALL BLACK!”

5.       11:50AM “This sucks. What the fuck? I used to be able to do so many push-ups. Is a push up over once my gut touches the floor? My arms are straight and my gut is almost touching the floor. I hate myself.”

6.       12:10PM On the elliptical. “Forty more minutes and I’m done. This sucks. I hate this so much…wow, look at her ass. That is alright. Focus on that ass, this will all be over soon.

7.       12:50PM Stretching. “She definitely caught me looking at her ass.”

8.       1:00PM Lunch. Small salad. Water. 300 Calories. Perfect.

9.       1:15 – 4:30PM “IM HUNGRY!”

10.   4:30PM Family meal at work. “Why do they have strawberry shortcake today? A little piece is-NO! No sweets! Chicken and salad only.”

11.   11:030PM Work is over. “Fuck I’m hungry. I should eat something. What could I have? Wait, no. Just go home and go to bed. When you wake up it’ll be breakfast. Today is over. You did good buddy. It’ll only get easier. Few weeks, you’ll be another person.”

12.   9:30AM Tuesday. Get out of bed. “Why do I feel like I’m hung over? Why do I feel so weak? I want an Egg McMuffin. This sucks.” (The reason for that hangover feeling is due to overdoing it at the gym mixed with not drinking enough water, and not eating enough. The combination of the three has been shown to produce symptoms similar to that of a hangover.)

13.   9:45AM “Fuckin fuck oatmeal. I hate this shit. What is that Quaker prick on the box smiling about? I don’t even want the rest of this.”

14.   10:15AM Five minutes into my workout. “I feel awful. I don’t want to do this. I’ll make it up another day this week.”

15.   12:00PM Making a salad. “What’s the point of life? Seriously, this is all bullshit. I have to eat this fucking bowl of yard waste. I hate today.”

16.   6:00PM Watching TV. “I should cook that chicken breast I bought. I hate chicken breast. I really do. I should order a pizza. I can always start my diet tomorrow, or next week even. Next week would be fine. Wait, no. I should eat the healthy stuff. Maybe the healthy stuff would taste better if I smoked some pot. Yeah, maybe a hit or two of weed will do the trick.

17.   6:02PM PUFF PUFF PUFF. BUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE.

18.   6.10PM On the Phone. “Hello, can I place an order for delivery. I have a coupon for a large pie, wings, and breadsticks…”

19.   11:00pm Full, stoned, in bed. “Well, there’s always next week. Yeah, next Monday for sure. Big lifestyle changes coming.”

                What’s to be learned by looking at this pattern that has become so familiar? When I decide to make any big change in my life, no matter what that change might be, if I decide to take it all on in one shot, I’m doomed. Now, maybe there are folks out there who woke up one day and said, “I’m going to become this,” and then drastically changed their lifestyle overnight and became that. Maybe some folks can do that. I can’t. Most people can’t. I wish I could. What I want, what most Americans want these days, is instant gratification. I want to change something and I want it to happen as quickly as possible. Quick fixes never seem to stick though. What I’ve been told by countless individuals, whom I respect, is that the road to health is a one best walked by baby steps. Small change that over time will produce big results. That’s what we’re shooting for friends. 

So, let’s start making some.